Vodka is for Wimps

Vodka is among the most popular of liquors and in my opinion that of least respectability. Some of my friends are enthusiasts for top shelf vodka and I have told them what I will now tell you. Vodka is for wimps.

In a world where the LA Times staff picks Smirnoff as the finest vodka in a blind tasting the concept of top shelf vodka is laughable. The very idea of building a quality scale around the lack of flavor violates some basic aesthetic principle. The ultimate indicators of flavor quality in every other commodity are those of complexity and balance, yet in vodka the only positive descriptor I've heard is "smooth". Sipping expensive vodka consequently reduces to a meditation on ethanol. It's the culinary equivalent to staring at a wall.

You may suggest that the purpose of vodka is providing a neutral base to a refined mixed drink. To a limited extent it is useful in this role. Yet, the culinary trump card of alcohol is it's capacity to solvate water-insoluble aromatic compounds. Cranberry and vodka is pretty good and there are circumstances where you may wish to balance other liquors' flavor with alcoholic spike (diluting gin for example), but ultimately vodka stands at a marked disadvantage to more complex liquors when mixing great drinks.

By and large, vodka is chosen as the alcoholic base to make a drink as inoffensive as possible. The worst of these drinks try to conceal the taste of the alcohol entirely. That is the crux of what makes something a "girl drink". This is an inadmissible sin. Alcohol is something to enjoy.

My first problem with girl drinks was that I couldn't drink more than a couple without getting a sugar rush. This is the principle reason why these drinks are associated with girls. Only those with hardly any tolerance can get drunk off of those syrupy confections without going into pulmonary arrest. In fact, reviewing individual preference one finds that, regardless of gender, those who drink the least are the most likely to go for super sweet drinks.

Those who drink more than a little usually recognize the impracticality and insulting simplicity of girl drinks. Yet, those same people are just as likely to shy from the intimidating richness of gin and whiskey and they are just as likely to be pretentious vodka snobs. So just know that vodka is undeserving of it's high culture associations. It has but a minor role in the making of great cocktails. It is popular because it is the most innocuous of liquors. It is simply a way to get fucked up while tasting as little as possible.

So embrace the fire and vitality of real liquor. Try a bracing Manhattan or Martini instead of that Lemon Drop the next time you find yourself at the bar.