Negative Energy and Thick Skin

The following is an excerpt from a letter to a friend and makes reference to my recently posted Articles of Faith.

In September I had a close college friend attempt to rip a hole in my entire approach to life and dump me as a friend. The reason he said he wanted to divorce himself from me was that my negativity brought him down. I still respect him, I believe he had my interests at heart, and I tried hard to internalize his criticisms (and I think I succeeded). However, he was looking to produce some sort of breakdown or epiphany in me and he was ultimately disappointed.

More and more, I'm starting to enjoy thinking of myself as a person with "negative energy". After all, the world needs its yins and yangs. One of the articles of faith I did not include that I expect most people might is faith in the search for happiness. I've never thought of happiness as a philosophical end-goal. Sure I chase it, but it's almost reflexive. I don't encourage myself to chase it. Partly, I'm probably unrestrained enough in requesting/grabbing what I want that I have never needed to encourage myself to embrace happiness. I seize it unrepentantly, even at the expense of others. Self-love is a bitch.

I'm a critical if not a negative person. I've received my fair share of criticism, because I've asked for it (usually not explicitly, but in the way I carry myself), but it rolls off me like water off a duck. I also dish it out like a mofo. I feel guilty for some instances, but not most. I maintain my intellectual honesty (possibly another article of faith?) and don't do it out of spite or malice to friends or strangers (the rare enemy beware, though). But in my head people can separate objective opinion from malicious intent. That's not always the case, and even where it is, a concerted assault on someone's assumptions and manifestations of person usually produces a negative reaction.

This is not the first friendship I have lost because of my critical nature and I doubt it will be my last, so I'd like to gently warn you that I not only have the capacity, but the inclination to be ruthlessly critical of people, particularly those closest to me. The terseness I sometimes evidence is the product of being raised by a scientist. I have acquired tact through the years, but evidently not enough, so if I ever come across too strong, tell me.